dreary, dark, and damp city. and wolves.

I love this weather. I really do. Cold and wet has always been my favourite, even over snow.
I'm tired. I'm a little worried, despite still believing everything will work out. I had a job interview on Saturday, but I don't think I got it. I haven't heard anything. I'm a little disappointed, too: I had hoped to be able to take a course here, starting in the fall, but because you sign up for full years of study at British universities and not terms, the one I had my heart set on is not legally viable. There's a host of other options I can look into, of course, but the thing that made this one so perfect, aside from the actual things I'd've been studying, is that it would have actually have been a first year of uni in credits.

Right now, though, I’ve got my cosy sweater and a quilt. I’ve got tea, and spinach & chickpea soup, and walnut cake for later. I’ve got Dylan Thomas, and Alan Garner if I finish him, and Seth Lakeman. I’m in lazy, cozy, easy, soulfood mode.

On the way home today my umbrella got turned inside out and in the few moments it took me to right it I went from vaguely dry to absolutely soaked. I squelched and shivered (it is cold for July - I had been worried it would be too hot!) myself the rest of the way to a hot shower and an hour with my notebook that turned into two-and-then-some. I've been forcing myself to spend at least six hours every day doing nothing but jobhunting. I've also been trying to force myself to get fuller nights of sleep. It's paid off in at least one way: as Eliot once said, having a limited amount of time in which to write leads to discipline in doing so. You don't faff about as much. I'm writing a lot right now. In the evenings, when I come home. A lot of it in notebooks, a lot of it probably never to be shared, never mind published, a lot of it more about experiments in figuring out my writing, my ideas, and my thoughts around it than actually producing something whole, but there is, too, quite a bit that will work its way into other things. Honestly, even if nothing ever comes of it, it's still what keeps me sane, and most days it's enough of a gift just to have this part of my voice back.

Vaguely relatedly, I'd really like to share something. It's this story:

The Wolves of Brooklyn

The wolves have eaten people. Why be coy about it? Not a lot of people. But it’s happened. As near as anyone can figure, the first one they ate was a Russian girl named Yelena. They surrounded her and she stood very still, so as not to startle them. Finally, she said: “I’m lonely”—it’s weird but you tell the wolves things, sometimes. You can’t help it, all these old wounds come open and suddenly you’re confessing to a wolf who never says anything back. She said: “I’m lonely,” and they ate her in the street. They didn’t leave any blood. They’re fastidious like that. Since then, I know of about four or five others, and well, that’s just not enough to really scare people. Obviously, you’ll be special, they’ll look at you with those huge eyes and you’ll understand something about each other, about the tundra and blood and Brooklyn and winter, and they’ll mark you but pass you by. For most of us that’s just what happens. My friend Daniel got eaten, though. It’s surprising how you can get used to that. I don’t know what he said to them. To tell you the truth, I didn’t know Daniel that well.

This excerpt is amazing and beautiful and just the thing on a cold rainy evening all on its own, and I knew from it that unless the author completely let me down I was going to love the story, and then I clicked through, and…

This story? Is written by Catherynne Valente. Only one of my absolute favourite writers not only working right now but ever. And even though some of her works resonate differently for me, she has never ever let me down (in what I’ve read, which is not all, but I have faith).

This story does more than just not let me down. One of the reasons I fell in love with Valente is that she so often seems to write stories tailor-made for me, for my obsessions. (There was Palimpsest, with its trains and its maps and its dream cities and its bees, for instance.) I feel like I was meant to read this tonight, here, curled up in my grey wool and drinking tea and thinking long and hard about this city.

This is a story by Catherynne Valente about Brooklyn and the huge, uncanny wolves that live there, and a girl that is very much not Little Red Hood. It is about cities and the villages and wildernesses within them, about the way some of us are called to them, and how we don’t belong until we do (or at least we don’t belong anywhere else, either), about fashion and self-presentation and the feeling of being looked at, about tribes, about how we move apart and fall together. (I won’t tell you any more, for fear of ruining it, but please, if you read one story on the internet this month, let it be this one.) It is, on some level, exactly what I needed to read right now.

(And I mean, well, is it any surprise that a story like this would mean a lot to me?)

living in the meantime

Every day in London (with the exception of yesterday, when I marched and attended a rally against government cuts with half-a-million other people (and which I wrote about at my new culture & politics blog.) begins the same way: without any set plans.

Maybe I drink my tea downstairs, watching BBC News, or maybe I bring my cereal upstairs to eat while I read Victoria Coren's memoir/yet another Angela Carter book/David Foster Wallace's essays. Maybe I'm tempted to stay like that all day, curled up in my pyjamas behind my locked bedroom door; I've always been rather lazy.

But I get up. I shower and dress. I head out into London. I look for work. I look for way to amuse myself while I'm not working.

On the days that the sadness doesn't stay away, I've found that the easiest way to cheer myself up is to head to a well-known tourist destination, and let the crowd swallow me up in its chatter and flow. Even after six months, there is still a thrill at seeing people take pictures of themself in front of Big Ben or Tower Bridge and being able to think I live here. As the song goes, London, you're a lady, and some days I don't know what I'd do without you.

I don't spend much time in museums and galleries right now. I think it's because they're too still, too enclosed; they're definitely too cut off from the beautiful weather London's been having. Instead I'm drawn to Hyde Park, to Portobello or Camden or Borough Markets, to the South Bank, to outdoor spaces fairly bursting with people as Spring hits the city and everyone rushes out from their homes and offices.

It feels a bit like living in the meantime right now. There are no special events, I'm not going to many shows. It's more of a slow, calm, settling-in for the long haul. It's something I'm okay wit. In a lot of ways, I'm more comfortable with myself than I have been in many years.

So I keep carrying on the day-to-day. I think about finally getting my next tattoo. I decide how I'm going to cut my hair. I paint my nails blue and my lips pink, and I contemplate the pros and cons of investing in a pair of floral Docs as the weather takes a turn for the better. I read books, in bed, in parks, on the Tube. I drink, as ever, too much tea. I write, I write, I write...

"Ah, world, what lessons you prepare for us,
even in the leafless winter,
even in the ashy city.
I am thinking now
of grief, and of getting past it;
I feel my boots
trying to leave the ground,
I feel my heart
pumping hard. I want
to think again of dangerous and noble things.
I want to be light and frolicsome.
I want to be improbable beautiful and afraid of nothing,
as though I had wings."
-Mary Oliver, "Starlings In Winter"

shine like the sky

Short burst of radio silence, there. I’ve been quite busy this past week, and the time I have been spending on the computer has been mostly devoted to writing. It’s been beautiful out, like Spring has come early (there’s even snowdrops popping up out of the dark empty soil everywhere - I hope that they don’t get killed off in frost), and I find it impossible to stay indoors when the sky’s so bright and blue.

Here are some of the things I’ve been doing (aside from job hunting - & I’ve finally landed an interview, so that’s good.):

Last night I went to an event at a poetry library in celebration of the release of the film Howl later this month. The poem was recited, and then there was discussion about Ginsberg and Howl. It was good fun, the recitation especially, but I must admit that the majority of the people who turned up were not the type I’d expect to be interested in the Beat Generation. Not that that’s a bad thing. I sat beside a lovely middle-aged man in a suit who does some sort of office job, and is passionate about jazz, which is how he got into Ginsberg. “My daughter,” he said, “I think you’d like her, even though she’s not into all this sixties stuff. She’s all about Morrissey and Joy Division, and the Romantic poets.”

On Sunday I headed out determined to enjoy the sunshine. I started on Marylebone High Street, wandering through the densely packed farmer’s market, before crossing over the York Bridge into Regent’s Park. I wandered all through the gardens before sitting to eat my apples and cheese. Watching a group of Aussies play hacky sack, I was delighted to be approached and asked to join in. I said “I’m not very good.” “Everybody says that.” “No, really.” And then I spent an hour proving just how horrible I am at it. “You weren’t exaggerating.” We ate grapes and cashews and one of the boys played The Doors and The Rolling Stones over his iPod. Later, I walked them to Baker Street to find Sherlock Holmes.

Today I went to the British Museum on a whim, since I was already in the area. I wandered into the prints area to find a special exhibit on modern drawing, From Picasso To Julie Mehretu. It was marvellous. There’s something really organic about drawings, that you don’t get from an artist’s paintings or etchings. A plaque next to one of William Kentridge’s pictures had this quote from him: I believe that in the indeterminacy of drawing, the contingent way that images arrive in the work, lies some kind of model of how we live our lives. The activity of drawing is a way of trying to understand who we are or how we operate in the world. It is in the strangeness of the activity itself that can be detected judgement, ethics, and morality.

On Tuesday my roommate and I wandered the Portobello Road, and down through Notting Hill, finding a whole host of little gems - handmade clothes, gelato, antiques, old fashioned bears, and a pizza shop with an orange mini acting as a counter in the window.

Here are some of the things I want to do, soon (aside from the obvious ‘get a job‘):

See Roald Dahl’s Twisted Tales at the Lyric Hammersmith, which is less than five minutes from my house, and which, as a venue, I’ve developed a bit of a fascination with. This show, though, I want to see because a)Roald Dahl, and b)it was adapted by Jeremy Dyson, who is one of the League of Gentlemen, who are fabulous and twisted and funny, and who co-wrote Ghost Stories (which I also want to see).

See Frankenstein, which I will have to wait until the extended run to do, as it’s sold out. Unsurprising, but I can’t afford tickets right now.

Finish the poems and stories I’ve been working on lately and get them sent off before submission deadlines. Relatedly, finish reading Kelly Link’s Magic for Beginners and Nikesh Shukla’s Coconut Unlimited (both of which are absolutely brilliant), and start in on Kazuo Ishiguro’s Never Let Me Go before it has to go back to the library.

See Emma Hunt’s horizon [HORIZONS] at the Hayward Gallery.

And there are so many little things I could and want to tell you about, the feel of city parks on the weekend (lovely), the smell of mint gum and what it reminds me of (my father, and fastball practices), the artist who paints tiny works on old gum stuck to the streets, how I think my house is haunted, and others, but I think I’ll leave them for another entry.