Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for whatever the hell position you’re willing to give me. As a foulmouthed two-time college dropout (from Canada, no less), I believe myself to be the perfect candidate for your team, since we all know that people want underlings they can look down their noses at.

I am detail-oriented to the point of obsession when it comes to things I actually give a shit about, motivated by the need to make money, and an excellent team player because I am generally too polite in a working environment to let people know what I really think of them. I am too intelligent and too aware of my intelligence for my own good, and I don’t like being told what to do by people I don’t respect. In my last place of employment, I was regularly praised by superiors and customers alike for the speed and quality of my service, because for some reason no one else seemed to realize that the work was so easy an especially slow four-year-old would be capable of doing it.

Also, I make a mean apple-rhubarb pie, possess an encyclopedic knowledge of song lyrics and pop culture trivia, and believe that every hour should be happy hour.

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you. (Oh god please let me hear from you.)

Sincere regards,

Dee.