i think that i’ve finally reached the point in my grief where i am ready to crack open the protective shell i’ve built around myself and start working on expansion and expression again. i needed to just hold on tight to my soul for a while, and that’s okay, but i also can’t stay like this forever. i need to start moving forward and working through the pain, no matter how scary a thought that is, because otherwise the healing becomes just paralysis. and that’s not okay. he wouldn’t have wanted that for me; he would have wanted better. i deserve better.

so, i’m not really sure how to go about it, but i know i’m going to start with really focussing on me, instead of letting myself be numb, or keeping myself distracted. and i know that i’m probably going to hit rock bottom in doing so, but once i’ve done that the only way to go is back up, and dammit i’m going to do that too. and i’m going to work on nourishing myself - body, mind, heart, and soul - as much as possible. life is short; i understand that now. i’m going to learn how to say yes to everything instead of a fear-based no, i’m going back to working on making my dreams reality, i’m going to dig deep into myself, i’m going to try hard, i’m going to go back to being that mad and passionate mess that i am at my very best. i’m going to make him so fucking proud of me.

Everything is holy! everybody’s holy! everywhere is holy! everyday is in eternity! Everyman’s an angel!

-allen ginsberg