yesterday:

9am. wake up to a beautiful morning, make a cup of tea, slice up a nectarine, and head into the sitting room to watch the sun come through the windows. notice i’ve accidently left my mobile in there overnight, check it to realize i’ve missed a call from home, minutes before.

phone back, confused, but not that worried - it’s the middle of the night there, but not too late. they’re probably just tipsy, and phoning to say i love you. my mom answers, and i’m really confused - sean had been babysitting tyler the night before, i thought, not this one? why is she at my father & stepmom’s house? and then i’m scared, because she’s asking where i am, and if there’s anyone at home with me.

she’s telling me my father’s dead. she says: he had a massive heart attack honey, and he didn’t make it.

my stepmom picks up the other extension, and all she can say, over and over, is: i’m so sorry sweetheart. i’m so sorry.

and then she’s gone, sobbing, and my aunt, my mother’s sister the nurse, the one born on the same day as my father two years later is there, and she’s calm, so calm, and that’s when it really starts to sink in. she tells me i can’t feel guilty about being in london, makes me promise. i say the words, that’s all i can do.

8pm. get my best friend on skype and break down in front of him. he calms me down, somewhat. tells me he loves me. it hurts, not being able to touch people right now.

my daddy, who fought for custody of me, who raised me, remembered every boy i’d so much as mentioned, bought me encyclopedias when i was little so we could look up the answers to all my questions together, coached my fastball team gladly for ten years, even the last year when i was too sick and busy with school and work to go to more than one or two games, who was everything and anything and who always saved me is gone.

he’s gone and everyone’s converging in victoria, and i’m in london. i’m on the other side of the world, in a city that fits me like a glove, that i’ve made a home for myself in, that i was so, so excited to show him when he came to visit in may. we were going to see eric clapton at the royal albert hall. we were going to go to liverpool. he was excited to finally see england, and i wanted to show it to him.

i don’t know anything right now. i have to think properly, logistically. make decisions - make the right decision. i don’t know what that is.

i just don’t know.